Top Ten Golf Jokes

    • Three unmarried men were waiting to tee off when the starter walked up to them and said, “You see that beautiful blonde practicing her putting?” 

      “Her? Wow, she is beautiful,” they all said. 

      “She’s a good golfer,” he continued, “and would like to hook up with a group. None of the other groups will play with a woman. Can she play with you? She won’t hold you up, I promise.”  

      They looked at each other and said, “Sure! She can join us.”
      Just as the starter said, the woman played well and kept up. Plus, they kept noticing, she was very attractive. When they reached the 18th hole, she mentioned that if she sank her 18-footer, she’d break 80 for the first time.

      “Guys, I’m so excited about breaking 80 that I have to tell you something.  I had a great time playing with you.  I can tell you all really love golf.  I want you to know that I’m single and want to marry a man who loves golf as much as I do.  If one of you guys can read this putt correctly and I make it, I’ll marry whichever of you was right!”

      All three jumped at the opportunity.  
      The first one looked over the putt and said, “I see it breaking 10 inches left to right.”  
      The second looked it over from all sides and said, “No, I see it breaking eight inches right to left.”   
      The third man looked at the woman, looked at the ball, and said, “Pick it up. It’s good!” 

    • Jesus and Moses are playing golf in Heaven when they come to the par-three 17th hole, a long carry over water to an island green.  

      Moses tees off with a 3-wood and hits the green. Jesus takes out his 5-iron and says, “I’m going to hit a 5-iron because Tiger Woods would hit a 5-iron from here.”  

      Jesus tees it up and hits a lofted iron shot that finishes 25 yards short of the green and in the water.  Jesus turns to Moses and says, “How about parting the water so I can play my ball where it lies?” 

      Moses says, “No way; you chose the wrong club because of your Tiger Woods fantasy and I’m not going to be a party to it!” 

      Jesus shrugs and starts walking on the water to where his ball went in.  Just then, a foursome approaching the tee box sees Jesus walking on the water.  One of them asks Moses, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”  

      Moses turns and says, “No, he thinks he’s Tiger Woods!” 

    • A golfer standing on a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, “Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain.”

    • Noting that her husband looked more frustrated and disgruntled than usual after his weekly golf game, his wife asked what was wrong. 

      He answered, “Well, on the fourth hole, Harry had a heart attack and died. It was terrible!
      For the rest of the round it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry!” 
    • A man and his wife are playing the fifth hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn.

      He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, “Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open, then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway.” 

      He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her.

      A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed.

      He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, “Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway.” 

      He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, “No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!” 

    • It was a sunny Sunday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

      “Would the gentleman on the ladies’ tee please back up to the men’s tee.” 

      Murray remained in his routine, seemingly unfazed by the interruption. 

      A little louder: “Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up to the men’s tee!” 

      Murray raised up out of his stance, lowered his driver, and shouted, “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?” 

    • As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, “Honey, I’ve got something to confess: I’m a golf nut, and every chance I get, I’ll be playing golf!” 

      “Since we’re being honest,” replies the bride, “I have to tell you that I’m a hooker.”  

      The groom replies, “That’s okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight!” 

    • A friend of Henry’s dies suddenly. A week later, he comes back to tell his friend how great Heaven is.  

      “Henry,” he says, “you won’t believe it, but there is golf in Heaven.” 

      “That is wonderful!” Henry replies.   

      “Uh – just so you know,” his friend tells him. “You have a tee-off time scheduled for Saturday.” 

    • The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the Prime Minister of Israel.  

      “Your Holiness,” said one of the cardinals, “the Prime Minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”  

      The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never played golf. “Do we have a cardinal who plays who can represent me?” he asked.  

      “None that play well,” the cardinal replied. “; however, there is a man named Phil Mickelson, an American golfer who is very devout. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play as your personal representative. Besides showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll win the match.” 

      Everyone agreed it was a good idea and the call was made. Of course, Mickelson was honored and agreed to play.  

      The day after the match, Mickelson came to the Vatican to report to the Pope.

      “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” the golfer told the Pope.  

      “Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Mickelson.”

      “I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some great golf in my life, this was the best I’ve ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons accurate and purposeful, and my putting perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

      “And there’s bad news?” asked the Pope.

      “Yes,” Mickelson sighed. “I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods.”

    • A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

      Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. 

      “Well, it was like this,” said the man.

      “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.” 

      “We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”  

      “I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was the golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it… stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.

      That’s when I made my mistake.”  

      “What did you do?” asks the doctor.

      “Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!”